Teacher: What are you going to be when you get out of school ?
Pupil: An old man !
=========================================
Pupil: Teacher, I don’t think I deserved zero on this test !
Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you !
=========================================
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you’ve only
drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !
========================================
Mother: What did you learn in school to-day ?
Son: How to write.
Mother: What did you write ?
Son: I don’t know, they haven’t taught us how to read yet !
=====================================
Little Max was talking to his best friend David.
“David, have you heard the joke about the dustbin lorry ?”
“No I haven’t,” replied David.
”Don’t worry,” said Max, “it’s only a load of rubbish.”
========================================
Cian: How do you stop a dog from smelling ?
Cormac: Block his nose.
======================================
Cian: What did the left ear say to the right ear ?
Cormac: Between us, we have brains.
==========================================
Cian: Have you heard the joke about the butter ?
Cormac: I can’t tell you because you will spread it.
==========================================
Customer: This soup tastes funny ?
Waiter: Then why aren’t you laughing !
=========================================
Teacher: How do you know that an Elephant is going on holidays ?
Student: It packs it’s trunk.
========================================
Man: “Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is giving me a headache!”
Doctor: “Why ?”
Man: “Because my wife keeps hitting me on the head with it.”
===================================
A Policeman was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off.
Prisonor: Will I run and get it for you ?
Policeman: Do you think I am a fool. You stay here and I will go and
get it.
====================================
Teacher: How do you spell “CAT”
Pupil: K.A.T
Teacher: But dictionary spells it CAT .
Pupil: You asked me how I spell it ?
======================================
Judge: Why did you steal this man’s watch ?
Thief: I didn’t steal it. He gave it to me.
Judge: When ?
Thief: When I showed him my gun.
====================================
Teacher: Why can’t we see the Sun at night ?
Pupil: Because it is too dark.
=================================
Question: Why do golfers carry a spare pair of socks?
Answer: In case they get a hole in one!
===============================
Question: What do you call a sleeping Bull.
Answer: Bulldozer.
============================
Teacher: Name an animal found in the desert ?
Pupil: A Camel.
Teacher: Good, name another animal found in the desert ?
Pupil: Another camel.
========================================
Question: Why did the boy eat his homework ?
Answer: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake !
================================
Teacher: If I had 40 apples in one hand and 80 in the other, what
would I have ?
Pupil: Very big hands!
===================================
Angry Man: Waiter, there’s a dead spider in my soup !
Waiter: Yes, they’re not very good swimmers !
=======================================
Boy: Waiter, this egg is off !
Waiter: Don’t blame me. I only laid the table !
=================================
Question: What animal wears a coat when it’s cold and pants when
it’s hot ?
Answer: A dog !
=================================
Question: What has a bottom at it’s top ?
Answer: A leg !
==================================
Question: What TV station do bees watch?
Answer: Bee Bee C !
===================================
A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants
to be when he grows up?””Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he
replies. To this his friend responds, “Strange ambition to have for a
career.” “Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on
Tuesdays!”
========================================
Question: Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down?
Answer: One good turn deserves another.
=================================
Question: Why is the ocean so friendly?
Answer: Because it gives out BIG waves!
=====================================
Did you hear about the stupid photographer? He saved burned out
lightbulbs for use in his darkroom.
======================================
A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive ? there’s no water in that pool!” “That’s all right,” said the man. “I can’t swim!”
=====================================
Did you hear about the Omaha mother who got tired of putting name tags on her son’s shirts, so she had his name legally changed to “Machine Washable”?
===================================
Question: Why do dogs wag their tails ?
Answer: “Because no one else will do it for them !”
=================================
Question: When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what should you do?
Answer: Take the words right out of his mouth.
=====================================
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: “I’m afraid we’re going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.” “Well, if it’s just because of them, I’d rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.”
========================================
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
Patient: But I’m not allowed up on the couch!
==================================
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Doctor: Please sit on the couch.
Patient: Which one!
=====================================
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor. John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
========================================
Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!
Waiter: Don’t worry, Sir, it’s not that hot!
====================================
Teacher: You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?
Pupil: Not very much!
===================================
Teacher: Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
Pupil: To a mewseum.
==================================
Question: If six children and two dogs were under an umbrella, how
come none of them got wet?
Answer: Because it wasn’t raining.
==================================
Question: Why did the lady go out doors with her purse open?
Answer: Because she expected some change in the weather.
=========================================
Question: What is the opposite of a cold front?
Answer: A warm back.
====================================
Question: What did one tornado say to the other?
Answer: “Let’s twist again, like we did last summer….”
=========================================
Question: What are the hottest days during summer?
Answer: Sun-days.
============================
Question: What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
Answer: There was money in the kitty.
========================================
Question: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Answer: Laughing stock.
=================================
There is big money in the cattle business? So I’ve herd!
=======================================
What do you call a cow who argues with her husband? A bullfighter!
===========================================
Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a bus driver.
Witch: Well, I won’t stand in your way.
=================================
What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head? Dead.
=========================================
Passenger: Which end of a bus is it best to get off?
Bus Driver: It doesn’t matter. Both ends stop.
============================
Question: What is a crowbar?
Answer: A place were crows go to get a drink!
==================================
Question: What do you call a Teacher with headphones on?
Answer: Anything you like, she can’t hear you.
===================================
English Teacher: What word is always spelt incorrectly?
Pupil: Incorrectly !
=================================
Kate: What has six eyes but cannot see?
Cormac: Three blind mice!
=================================
Question: Which burns longer, a red candle or a white candle?
Answer: Neither, they both burn shorter.
===================================
Question: What do you call a girl between two goalposts?
Answer: Annette
==================================
Pupil: An old man !
=========================================
Pupil: Teacher, I don’t think I deserved zero on this test !
Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you !
=========================================
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you’ve only
drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !
========================================
Mother: What did you learn in school to-day ?
Son: How to write.
Mother: What did you write ?
Son: I don’t know, they haven’t taught us how to read yet !
=====================================
Little Max was talking to his best friend David.
“David, have you heard the joke about the dustbin lorry ?”
“No I haven’t,” replied David.
”Don’t worry,” said Max, “it’s only a load of rubbish.”
========================================
Cian: How do you stop a dog from smelling ?
Cormac: Block his nose.
======================================
Cian: What did the left ear say to the right ear ?
Cormac: Between us, we have brains.
==========================================
Cian: Have you heard the joke about the butter ?
Cormac: I can’t tell you because you will spread it.
==========================================
Customer: This soup tastes funny ?
Waiter: Then why aren’t you laughing !
=========================================
Teacher: How do you know that an Elephant is going on holidays ?
Student: It packs it’s trunk.
========================================
Man: “Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is giving me a headache!”
Doctor: “Why ?”
Man: “Because my wife keeps hitting me on the head with it.”
===================================
A Policeman was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off.
Prisonor: Will I run and get it for you ?
Policeman: Do you think I am a fool. You stay here and I will go and
get it.
====================================
Teacher: How do you spell “CAT”
Pupil: K.A.T
Teacher: But dictionary spells it CAT .
Pupil: You asked me how I spell it ?
======================================
Judge: Why did you steal this man’s watch ?
Thief: I didn’t steal it. He gave it to me.
Judge: When ?
Thief: When I showed him my gun.
====================================
Teacher: Why can’t we see the Sun at night ?
Pupil: Because it is too dark.
=================================
Question: Why do golfers carry a spare pair of socks?
Answer: In case they get a hole in one!
===============================
Question: What do you call a sleeping Bull.
Answer: Bulldozer.
============================
Teacher: Name an animal found in the desert ?
Pupil: A Camel.
Teacher: Good, name another animal found in the desert ?
Pupil: Another camel.
========================================
Question: Why did the boy eat his homework ?
Answer: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake !
================================
Teacher: If I had 40 apples in one hand and 80 in the other, what
would I have ?
Pupil: Very big hands!
===================================
Angry Man: Waiter, there’s a dead spider in my soup !
Waiter: Yes, they’re not very good swimmers !
=======================================
Boy: Waiter, this egg is off !
Waiter: Don’t blame me. I only laid the table !
=================================
Question: What animal wears a coat when it’s cold and pants when
it’s hot ?
Answer: A dog !
=================================
Question: What has a bottom at it’s top ?
Answer: A leg !
==================================
Question: What TV station do bees watch?
Answer: Bee Bee C !
===================================
A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants
to be when he grows up?””Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he
replies. To this his friend responds, “Strange ambition to have for a
career.” “Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on
Tuesdays!”
========================================
Question: Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down?
Answer: One good turn deserves another.
=================================
Question: Why is the ocean so friendly?
Answer: Because it gives out BIG waves!
=====================================
Did you hear about the stupid photographer? He saved burned out
lightbulbs for use in his darkroom.
======================================
A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive ? there’s no water in that pool!” “That’s all right,” said the man. “I can’t swim!”
=====================================
Did you hear about the Omaha mother who got tired of putting name tags on her son’s shirts, so she had his name legally changed to “Machine Washable”?
===================================
Question: Why do dogs wag their tails ?
Answer: “Because no one else will do it for them !”
=================================
Question: When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what should you do?
Answer: Take the words right out of his mouth.
=====================================
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: “I’m afraid we’re going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.” “Well, if it’s just because of them, I’d rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.”
========================================
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
Patient: But I’m not allowed up on the couch!
==================================
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Doctor: Please sit on the couch.
Patient: Which one!
=====================================
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor. John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
========================================
Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!
Waiter: Don’t worry, Sir, it’s not that hot!
====================================
Teacher: You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?
Pupil: Not very much!
===================================
Teacher: Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
Pupil: To a mewseum.
==================================
Question: If six children and two dogs were under an umbrella, how
come none of them got wet?
Answer: Because it wasn’t raining.
==================================
Question: Why did the lady go out doors with her purse open?
Answer: Because she expected some change in the weather.
=========================================
Question: What is the opposite of a cold front?
Answer: A warm back.
====================================
Question: What did one tornado say to the other?
Answer: “Let’s twist again, like we did last summer….”
=========================================
Question: What are the hottest days during summer?
Answer: Sun-days.
============================
Question: What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
Answer: There was money in the kitty.
========================================
Question: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Answer: Laughing stock.
=================================
There is big money in the cattle business? So I’ve herd!
=======================================
What do you call a cow who argues with her husband? A bullfighter!
===========================================
Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a bus driver.
Witch: Well, I won’t stand in your way.
=================================
What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head? Dead.
=========================================
Passenger: Which end of a bus is it best to get off?
Bus Driver: It doesn’t matter. Both ends stop.
============================
Question: What is a crowbar?
Answer: A place were crows go to get a drink!
==================================
Question: What do you call a Teacher with headphones on?
Answer: Anything you like, she can’t hear you.
===================================
English Teacher: What word is always spelt incorrectly?
Pupil: Incorrectly !
=================================
Kate: What has six eyes but cannot see?
Cormac: Three blind mice!
=================================
Question: Which burns longer, a red candle or a white candle?
Answer: Neither, they both burn shorter.
===================================
Question: What do you call a girl between two goalposts?
Answer: Annette
==================================
Kate: What did the water say to the boat ?
Cormac: Nothing, it just waved.
=========================
Kate: If a plane crashed on the border of Spain and France, where
would they bury the survivors ?
Cormac: You don’t bury survivors ! They are alive !
=====================================
Cormac: Why did the computer need glasses ?
Cian: To fix it’s web sight.
=================================
Cian: What has 6 wheels and flies ?
Kate: A garbage truck.
============================
Kate: How many ants are needed to fill an apartment ?
Cormac: Ten ants !
===============================
Cian: What do you call a dog with no legs ?
Cormac: It doesn’t matter, he won’t come !
=============================
Mother: Why are you crying Cormac, asked his mum ?
Cormac: Because my new sneakers hurt.
Mother: That’s because you have put them on the wrong feet.
Cormac: But they are the only feet I have.
==============================
Teacher: What kind of hair do oceans have ?
Pupil: Wavy !
=============================
Pupil: Sir, My nose is running.
Teacher: Well, chase it !
============================
Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice.
He doesn’t go near them !
Shopkeeper: Well, isn’t that good for mice ?
=================================
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! One of my eyes is different from the other !
Doctor: Really, which one ?
====================================
Teacher: Where does God live ?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says,
‘God, are you still in there ?’
================================
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his
mother, “Who am I ? “
Ready to play the game she said, “I don’t know! Who are you ?”
“WOW !” cried the child. “Mrs. Johnson was right ! She said I was so
dirty, my own mother wouldn’t recognize me.
================================
Once a priest saw a man praying for heavy rain
The priest asked him, “Son, are you a farmer ?”
The man said, “No, I sell umbrellas”.
===============================
A man calls Air India. “How long does it take to fly from Delhi to
London ?”
“Just a second,” says the operator.
“Thank you.” says the man and hangs up.
===============================
Teacher: What bird can lift the most ?
Pupil: A crane.
=================================
Question: How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it ?
Answer: By dropping it seven feet – it won’t break for the first six.
===================================
English teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
no one is interested ?
Pupil: A teacher !
=====================================
Boy: Waiter, does the chef have pig’s feet ?
Waiter: I can’t tell, he’s got his shoes on !
===================================
Question: What do you get if you cross a motorway on roller skates ?
Answer: Run over !
=====================================
Question: What did the dog say when it sat on sandpaper ?
Answer: Ruff !
==========================================
Question: If I have one eye, three noses and two ears. What am I ?
Answer: Very ugly !
==================================
Question: Did you know that Exit Signs are on the way out ? !!
===================================
Question: Why do bees hum?
Answer: Because they’ve forgotten the words!
===================================
Qustion: What bee is good for your health?
Answer: Vitamin bee!!
===================================
Question: When is the best time to buy dogs?
Answer: When they’re going cheap!
====================================
Hiker: “Tell me, will this pathway take me to the main road?”
Farmer: “No Sir, you will have to go by yourself!”
=========================================
A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boys position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the childs shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the childs level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?” The boy replies, “Now we run!”
======================================
Two men were knocking in nails to the sides of a house, one of them kept throwing them away. “Why do you keep throwing nails away” said the other. “Because they have the point at the wrong end”, he replied “You fool, we could use those on the other side of the house!”
============================================
An EnglishMan saw a notice outside a police station which read: MAN
WANTED FOR ROBBERY. So he went in and applied for the job!
===========================================
Say, your house is burning. “That’s okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new one.”
=============================
When a small Montana village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one. Randall, an old rancher, stood up. “Ah think we should keep the old truck,” he said. “We can use it for all them false alarms!”
===============================
Question: What happened when the shaggy dog swallowed a teaspoon?
Answer: He wasn’t able to stir.
=====================================
Question: Why did the Farmer think his dog was a great mathematician?
Answer: When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.
========================================
Question: How do you know a stupid dog ?
Answer: It chases parked cars !
==================================
Doctor, Doctor I’m becoming invisible. Yes I can see you’re not all there!
====================================
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my memory!
Doctor: When did this happen?
Patient: When did what happen?
=========================================
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
Doctor: Don’t worry, it’s just a bug that’s going around!
===========================================
The Doctor was puzzled “I’m very sorry but I can’t diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. ” “Don’t worry about it Dr. Kelley, I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
=======================================
Doctor: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you’ve got it again!
=====================================
Kate: What is a crocodiles favorite game ?
Cormac: Snap
=======================================
What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals!
==========================================
Teacher: Didn’t you hear me call you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!
=======================================
Kate: What does a kitten become after it’s three days old?
Cormac: Four days old!
====================================
What did Santa Claus’s wife say during a thunderstorm? ‘Come and
look at the rain, dear.
====================================
Gosh, its raining cats and dogs, said Fred looking out of the kitchen window. “I know,” said his mother. “I’ve just stepped in a poodle!”
=============================================
How easy is it for wind gusts to talk to each other? -It is a breeze.
=============================================
Question: What type of sense of humor does a dust storm have?
Answer: A very dry sense of humor.
=================================
Jill: How did you find the weather on your vacation?
Bill: I just went outside and there it was!
===================================
Question: Why is money called dough?
Answer: Because we all knead it.
===============================
Question: What did the man do when he got a big gas bill?
Answer: He exploded.
==================================
Question: How does a cow do math?
Answer: With a cowculator!
==============================
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
====================================
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.
=================================
What did the bus conductor say to the frog? Hop on.
======================================
What’s the difference between a bus driver and a cold? A bus driver nose the stops, and a cold stops the nose.
===================================
Have you heard that all the buses and trains are stopping today? No. Is there a strike? No, they’re stopping to let the passengers off.
==========================================
Question: Where do birds meet for coffee ?
Answer: In a nest-cafe !
================================
Maths Teacher: What do you take from seven to make it even?
Pupil: The ” s “.
========================================
Teacher: Who can spell the word, ‘ weather ‘ ?
Jane: W-e-f-e-r !
Teacher: That’s the worst spell of weather we’ve had for a long time!
=============================================
Question: Who hides in a bakery at Christmas?
Answer: A Mince Spy
================================
Teacher: What are you going to be when you get out of school ?
Pupil: An old man !
=========================================
Pupil: Teacher, I don’t think I deserved zero on this test !
Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you !
=========================================
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you’ve only
drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !
========================================
Mother: What did you learn in school to-day ?
Son: How to write.
Mother: What did you write ?
Son: I don’t know, they haven’t taught us how to read yet !
=====================================
Little Max was talking to his best friend David.
“David, have you heard the joke about the dustbin lorry ?”
“No I haven’t,” replied David.
”Don’t worry,” said Max, “it’s only a load of rubbish.”
========================================
Cian: How do you stop a dog from smelling ?
Cormac: Block his nose.
======================================
Cian: What did the left ear say to the right ear ?
Cormac: Between us, we have brains.
==========================================
Cian: Have you heard the joke about the butter ?
Cormac: I can’t tell you because you will spread it.
==========================================
Customer: This soup tastes funny ?
Waiter: Then why aren’t you laughing !
=========================================
Teacher: How do you know that an Elephant is going on holidays ?
Student: It packs it’s trunk.
========================================
Man: “Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is giving me a headache!”
Doctor: “Why ?”
Man: “Because my wife keeps hitting me on the head with it.”
===================================
A Policeman was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off.
Prisonor: Will I run and get it for you ?
Policeman: Do you think I am a fool. You stay here and I will go and
get it.
====================================
Teacher: How do you spell “CAT”
Pupil: K.A.T
Teacher: But dictionary spells it CAT .
Pupil: You asked me how I spell it ?
======================================
Judge: Why did you steal this man’s watch ?
Thief: I didn’t steal it. He gave it to me.
Judge: When ?
Thief: When I showed him my gun.
====================================
Teacher: Why can’t we see the Sun at night ?
Pupil: Because it is too dark.
=================================
Question: Why do golfers carry a spare pair of socks?
Answer: In case they get a hole in one!
===============================
Question: What do you call a sleeping Bull.
Answer: Bulldozer.
============================
Teacher: Name an animal found in the desert ?
Pupil: A Camel.
Teacher: Good, name another animal found in the desert ?
Pupil: Another camel.
========================================
Question: Why did the boy eat his homework ?
Answer: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake !
================================
Teacher: If I had 40 apples in one hand and 80 in the other, what
would I have ?
Pupil: Very big hands!
===================================
Angry Man: Waiter, there’s a dead spider in my soup !
Waiter: Yes, they’re not very good swimmers !
=======================================
Boy: Waiter, this egg is off !
Waiter: Don’t blame me. I only laid the table !
=================================
Question: What animal wears a coat when it’s cold and pants when
it’s hot ?
Answer: A dog !
=================================
Question: What has a bottom at it’s top ?
Answer: A leg !
==================================
Question: What TV station do bees watch?
Answer: Bee Bee C !
===================================
A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants
to be when he grows up?””Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he
replies. To this his friend responds, “Strange ambition to have for a
career.” “Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on
Tuesdays!”
========================================
Question: Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down?
Answer: One good turn deserves another.
=================================
Question: Why is the ocean so friendly?
Answer: Because it gives out BIG waves!
=====================================
Did you hear about the stupid photographer? He saved burned out
lightbulbs for use in his darkroom.
======================================
A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive ? there’s no water in that pool!” “That’s all right,” said the man. “I can’t swim!”
=====================================
Did you hear about the Omaha mother who got tired of putting name tags on her son’s shirts, so she had his name legally changed to “Machine Washable”?
===================================
Question: Why do dogs wag their tails ?
Answer: “Because no one else will do it for them !”
=================================
Question: When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what should you do?
Answer: Take the words right out of his mouth.
=====================================
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: “I’m afraid we’re going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.” “Well, if it’s just because of them, I’d rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.”
========================================
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
Patient: But I’m not allowed up on the couch!
==================================
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Doctor: Please sit on the couch.
Patient: Which one!
=====================================
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor. John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
========================================
Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!
Waiter: Don’t worry, Sir, it’s not that hot!
====================================
Teacher: You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?
Pupil: Not very much!
===================================
Teacher: Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
Pupil: To a mewseum.
==================================
Question: If six children and two dogs were under an umbrella, how
come none of them got wet?
Answer: Because it wasn’t raining.
==================================
Question: Why did the lady go out doors with her purse open?
Answer: Because she expected some change in the weather.
=========================================
Question: What is the opposite of a cold front?
Answer: A warm back.
====================================
Question: What did one tornado say to the other?
Answer: “Let’s twist again, like we did last summer….”
=========================================
Question: What are the hottest days during summer?
Answer: Sun-days.
============================
Question: What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
Answer: There was money in the kitty.
========================================
Question: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Answer: Laughing stock.
=================================
There is big money in the cattle business? So I’ve herd!
=======================================
What do you call a cow who argues with her husband? A bullfighter!
===========================================
Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a bus driver.
Witch: Well, I won’t stand in your way.
=================================
What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head? Dead.
=========================================
Passenger: Which end of a bus is it best to get off?
Bus Driver: It doesn’t matter. Both ends stop.
============================
Question: What is a crowbar?
Answer: A place were crows go to get a drink!
==================================
Question: What do you call a Teacher with headphones on?
Answer: Anything you like, she can’t hear you.
===================================
English Teacher: What word is always spelt incorrectly?
Pupil: Incorrectly !
=================================
Kate: What has six eyes but cannot see?
Cormac: Three blind mice!
=================================
Question: Which burns longer, a red candle or a white candle?
Answer: Neither, they both burn shorter.
===================================
Question: What do you call a girl between two goalposts?
Answer: Annette
==================================
Pupil: An old man !
=========================================
Pupil: Teacher, I don’t think I deserved zero on this test !
Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you !
=========================================
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you’ve only
drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !
========================================
Mother: What did you learn in school to-day ?
Son: How to write.
Mother: What did you write ?
Son: I don’t know, they haven’t taught us how to read yet !
=====================================
Little Max was talking to his best friend David.
“David, have you heard the joke about the dustbin lorry ?”
“No I haven’t,” replied David.
”Don’t worry,” said Max, “it’s only a load of rubbish.”
========================================
Cian: How do you stop a dog from smelling ?
Cormac: Block his nose.
======================================
Cian: What did the left ear say to the right ear ?
Cormac: Between us, we have brains.
==========================================
Cian: Have you heard the joke about the butter ?
Cormac: I can’t tell you because you will spread it.
==========================================
Customer: This soup tastes funny ?
Waiter: Then why aren’t you laughing !
=========================================
Teacher: How do you know that an Elephant is going on holidays ?
Student: It packs it’s trunk.
========================================
Man: “Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is giving me a headache!”
Doctor: “Why ?”
Man: “Because my wife keeps hitting me on the head with it.”
===================================
A Policeman was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off.
Prisonor: Will I run and get it for you ?
Policeman: Do you think I am a fool. You stay here and I will go and
get it.
====================================
Teacher: How do you spell “CAT”
Pupil: K.A.T
Teacher: But dictionary spells it CAT .
Pupil: You asked me how I spell it ?
======================================
Judge: Why did you steal this man’s watch ?
Thief: I didn’t steal it. He gave it to me.
Judge: When ?
Thief: When I showed him my gun.
====================================
Teacher: Why can’t we see the Sun at night ?
Pupil: Because it is too dark.
=================================
Question: Why do golfers carry a spare pair of socks?
Answer: In case they get a hole in one!
===============================
Question: What do you call a sleeping Bull.
Answer: Bulldozer.
============================
Teacher: Name an animal found in the desert ?
Pupil: A Camel.
Teacher: Good, name another animal found in the desert ?
Pupil: Another camel.
========================================
Question: Why did the boy eat his homework ?
Answer: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake !
================================
Teacher: If I had 40 apples in one hand and 80 in the other, what
would I have ?
Pupil: Very big hands!
===================================
Angry Man: Waiter, there’s a dead spider in my soup !
Waiter: Yes, they’re not very good swimmers !
=======================================
Boy: Waiter, this egg is off !
Waiter: Don’t blame me. I only laid the table !
=================================
Question: What animal wears a coat when it’s cold and pants when
it’s hot ?
Answer: A dog !
=================================
Question: What has a bottom at it’s top ?
Answer: A leg !
==================================
Question: What TV station do bees watch?
Answer: Bee Bee C !
===================================
A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants
to be when he grows up?””Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he
replies. To this his friend responds, “Strange ambition to have for a
career.” “Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on
Tuesdays!”
========================================
Question: Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down?
Answer: One good turn deserves another.
=================================
Question: Why is the ocean so friendly?
Answer: Because it gives out BIG waves!
=====================================
Did you hear about the stupid photographer? He saved burned out
lightbulbs for use in his darkroom.
======================================
A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive ? there’s no water in that pool!” “That’s all right,” said the man. “I can’t swim!”
=====================================
Did you hear about the Omaha mother who got tired of putting name tags on her son’s shirts, so she had his name legally changed to “Machine Washable”?
===================================
Question: Why do dogs wag their tails ?
Answer: “Because no one else will do it for them !”
=================================
Question: When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what should you do?
Answer: Take the words right out of his mouth.
=====================================
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: “I’m afraid we’re going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.” “Well, if it’s just because of them, I’d rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.”
========================================
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
Patient: But I’m not allowed up on the couch!
==================================
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Doctor: Please sit on the couch.
Patient: Which one!
=====================================
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor. John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
========================================
Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!
Waiter: Don’t worry, Sir, it’s not that hot!
====================================
Teacher: You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?
Pupil: Not very much!
===================================
Teacher: Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
Pupil: To a mewseum.
==================================
Question: If six children and two dogs were under an umbrella, how
come none of them got wet?
Answer: Because it wasn’t raining.
==================================
Question: Why did the lady go out doors with her purse open?
Answer: Because she expected some change in the weather.
=========================================
Question: What is the opposite of a cold front?
Answer: A warm back.
====================================
Question: What did one tornado say to the other?
Answer: “Let’s twist again, like we did last summer….”
=========================================
Question: What are the hottest days during summer?
Answer: Sun-days.
============================
Question: What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
Answer: There was money in the kitty.
========================================
Question: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Answer: Laughing stock.
=================================
There is big money in the cattle business? So I’ve herd!
=======================================
What do you call a cow who argues with her husband? A bullfighter!
===========================================
Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a bus driver.
Witch: Well, I won’t stand in your way.
=================================
What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head? Dead.
=========================================
Passenger: Which end of a bus is it best to get off?
Bus Driver: It doesn’t matter. Both ends stop.
============================
Question: What is a crowbar?
Answer: A place were crows go to get a drink!
==================================
Question: What do you call a Teacher with headphones on?
Answer: Anything you like, she can’t hear you.
===================================
English Teacher: What word is always spelt incorrectly?
Pupil: Incorrectly !
=================================
Kate: What has six eyes but cannot see?
Cormac: Three blind mice!
=================================
Question: Which burns longer, a red candle or a white candle?
Answer: Neither, they both burn shorter.
===================================
Question: What do you call a girl between two goalposts?
Answer: Annette
==================================
Kate: What did the water say to the boat ?
Cormac: Nothing, it just waved.
=========================
Kate: If a plane crashed on the border of Spain and France, where
would they bury the survivors ?
Cormac: You don’t bury survivors ! They are alive !
=====================================
Cormac: Why did the computer need glasses ?
Cian: To fix it’s web sight.
=================================
Cian: What has 6 wheels and flies ?
Kate: A garbage truck.
============================
Kate: How many ants are needed to fill an apartment ?
Cormac: Ten ants !
===============================
Cian: What do you call a dog with no legs ?
Cormac: It doesn’t matter, he won’t come !
=============================
Mother: Why are you crying Cormac, asked his mum ?
Cormac: Because my new sneakers hurt.
Mother: That’s because you have put them on the wrong feet.
Cormac: But they are the only feet I have.
==============================
Teacher: What kind of hair do oceans have ?
Pupil: Wavy !
=============================
Pupil: Sir, My nose is running.
Teacher: Well, chase it !
============================
Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice.
He doesn’t go near them !
Shopkeeper: Well, isn’t that good for mice ?
=================================
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! One of my eyes is different from the other !
Doctor: Really, which one ?
====================================
Teacher: Where does God live ?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says,
‘God, are you still in there ?’
================================
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his
mother, “Who am I ? “
Ready to play the game she said, “I don’t know! Who are you ?”
“WOW !” cried the child. “Mrs. Johnson was right ! She said I was so
dirty, my own mother wouldn’t recognize me.
================================
Once a priest saw a man praying for heavy rain
The priest asked him, “Son, are you a farmer ?”
The man said, “No, I sell umbrellas”.
===============================
A man calls Air India. “How long does it take to fly from Delhi to
London ?”
“Just a second,” says the operator.
“Thank you.” says the man and hangs up.
===============================
Teacher: What bird can lift the most ?
Pupil: A crane.
=================================
Question: How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it ?
Answer: By dropping it seven feet – it won’t break for the first six.
===================================
English teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
no one is interested ?
Pupil: A teacher !
=====================================
Boy: Waiter, does the chef have pig’s feet ?
Waiter: I can’t tell, he’s got his shoes on !
===================================
Question: What do you get if you cross a motorway on roller skates ?
Answer: Run over !
=====================================
Question: What did the dog say when it sat on sandpaper ?
Answer: Ruff !
==========================================
Question: If I have one eye, three noses and two ears. What am I ?
Answer: Very ugly !
==================================
Question: Did you know that Exit Signs are on the way out ? !!
===================================
Question: Why do bees hum?
Answer: Because they’ve forgotten the words!
===================================
Qustion: What bee is good for your health?
Answer: Vitamin bee!!
===================================
Question: When is the best time to buy dogs?
Answer: When they’re going cheap!
====================================
Hiker: “Tell me, will this pathway take me to the main road?”
Farmer: “No Sir, you will have to go by yourself!”
=========================================
A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boys position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the childs shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the childs level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?” The boy replies, “Now we run!”
======================================
Two men were knocking in nails to the sides of a house, one of them kept throwing them away. “Why do you keep throwing nails away” said the other. “Because they have the point at the wrong end”, he replied “You fool, we could use those on the other side of the house!”
============================================
An EnglishMan saw a notice outside a police station which read: MAN
WANTED FOR ROBBERY. So he went in and applied for the job!
===========================================
Say, your house is burning. “That’s okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new one.”
=============================
When a small Montana village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one. Randall, an old rancher, stood up. “Ah think we should keep the old truck,” he said. “We can use it for all them false alarms!”
===============================
Question: What happened when the shaggy dog swallowed a teaspoon?
Answer: He wasn’t able to stir.
=====================================
Question: Why did the Farmer think his dog was a great mathematician?
Answer: When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.
========================================
Question: How do you know a stupid dog ?
Answer: It chases parked cars !
==================================
Doctor, Doctor I’m becoming invisible. Yes I can see you’re not all there!
====================================
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my memory!
Doctor: When did this happen?
Patient: When did what happen?
=========================================
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
Doctor: Don’t worry, it’s just a bug that’s going around!
===========================================
The Doctor was puzzled “I’m very sorry but I can’t diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. ” “Don’t worry about it Dr. Kelley, I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
=======================================
Doctor: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you’ve got it again!
=====================================
Kate: What is a crocodiles favorite game ?
Cormac: Snap
=======================================
What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals!
==========================================
Teacher: Didn’t you hear me call you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!
=======================================
Kate: What does a kitten become after it’s three days old?
Cormac: Four days old!
====================================
What did Santa Claus’s wife say during a thunderstorm? ‘Come and
look at the rain, dear.
====================================
Gosh, its raining cats and dogs, said Fred looking out of the kitchen window. “I know,” said his mother. “I’ve just stepped in a poodle!”
=============================================
How easy is it for wind gusts to talk to each other? -It is a breeze.
=============================================
Question: What type of sense of humor does a dust storm have?
Answer: A very dry sense of humor.
=================================
Jill: How did you find the weather on your vacation?
Bill: I just went outside and there it was!
===================================
Question: Why is money called dough?
Answer: Because we all knead it.
===============================
Question: What did the man do when he got a big gas bill?
Answer: He exploded.
==================================
Question: How does a cow do math?
Answer: With a cowculator!
==============================
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
====================================
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.
=================================
What did the bus conductor say to the frog? Hop on.
======================================
What’s the difference between a bus driver and a cold? A bus driver nose the stops, and a cold stops the nose.
===================================
Have you heard that all the buses and trains are stopping today? No. Is there a strike? No, they’re stopping to let the passengers off.
==========================================
Question: Where do birds meet for coffee ?
Answer: In a nest-cafe !
================================
Maths Teacher: What do you take from seven to make it even?
Pupil: The ” s “.
========================================
Teacher: Who can spell the word, ‘ weather ‘ ?
Jane: W-e-f-e-r !
Teacher: That’s the worst spell of weather we’ve had for a long time!
=============================================
Question: Who hides in a bakery at Christmas?
Answer: A Mince Spy
================================
